Words with Friends 2

Words with Friends episodes are bonus episodes where different members of Mama Dragons provide definitions for LGBTQ related topics. This episode includes the following definitions:

Labels, shared by Clare McFadyen from England

Queer, shared by Barbara Proudfoot from South Africa

 Gay, shared by Roxana Rich from California, USA

Transgender, shared by Pannay from Wisconsin, USA

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Transcript

JEN: Hello and welcome. You are listening to In The Den with Mama Dragons. I’m your host, Jen. This podcast was created out of our desire to walk and talk with you through this journey of raising happy, healthy, and productive LGBTQ humans. We are so happy that you’re here with us.

For many parents, learning they have an LGBTQ child also means they have a whole new vocabulary to learn. So, we’re here to give you an introduction to new vocabulary. Just a few new words each time.  These definitions won’t teach you everything there is to know about these new words, but they will give you a foundation upon which to build your future learning. And remember, this is an area where vocabulary is changing rapidly. We invite you to enjoy how our language changes as our understanding grows.

 This week we have more 4 Mama Dragons to introduce and explain the following words: Labels, Queer, Gay, and Transgender. Happy learning!

LABELS shared by Clare McFadyen

Self-identifying labels are not inherently bad. We all use them all the time to help people to know and understand us, and even to help us understand ourselves. For example, labels that I might use to describe myself could be. I’m English. I’m an occupational therapist. I’m a mom. I’m straight. I’m cisgender. Self-identifying labels help me provide context in conversations as well as help me find others who identify in similar ways, and that provides community and common ground with people who are like me. Labels can be helpful for everyone. Labels can change,  but that doesn’t make them less helpful as a tool to figure ourselves and others out along the way.

I think as adults we sometimes misunderstand our children’s search for labels. Children today are digital natives and they know that a label is a search term, and that having a good search term is key to finding the useful information you need in an ocean of irrelevant information. Saying to a Millennial or GenZer "don't label yourself" sounds to them like "plow through an internet's-worth of information to find the information you need." And we wonder why they roll their eyes when someone says “Don’t label yourself?”

I think it's inappropriate and disrespectful to force labels on anyone else that they don't want or identify with. It invalidates their real, lived experiences and feelings. So, if someone tells me they're gay or bi, I'm not going to tell them they're not, and that they're just "struggling with same gender attraction." Because why would I insist on that? It changes nothing about who they are but risks harming a relationship of trust and respect with each other.

So don't say someone is "struggling with same gender or same sex attraction" or “experiencing gender confusion,” unless they themselves have used, or asked you to use, that specific label to describe them. It can be incredibly offensive. For many who are LGBTQ, if there is a struggle,  the struggle of being LGBTQ comes from people in their lives who are unkind and unwilling to believe them or refuse to use the names, the pronouns, or the labels that that person has asked them to use.

QUEER shared by Barbara Proudfoot

Queer is sometimes used as an umbrella term for people who are not straight and cisgender, in other words, people who identify as LGBTQIA+. Some people, unfortunately, use Queer as a word to insult LGBTQ people. Therefore, some people still experience the word as a slur. On a positive note, although usually younger, LGBTQIA+ people are reclaiming the word. This can be seen as progressive by some as it renders the slur or the insult powerless to hurt the people it was intended to hurt.

The “Q” in LGBTQ are interpreted in two different ways. By some, a queer. And others, who sees it as a slur use it for  “questioning”. Questioning refers to a person who is still trying to figure out if their sexual identity, in other words, if they identify as straight or LGBTQIA+. People’s feelings are always valid. So make 100% sure that the person you are with is comfortable with you using the word in front of them. It’s most probably best if they themselves are comfortable with using the word.

GAY shared by Roxana Reguera

I was 19 and just arrived to the US when I first heard it, “Gay”. In the early 80’s was “Gay” this, “Gay” that. And I did not know what the word meant in this authentic context. So I accepted it as an everyday usage of American colloquialism. I was not aware how much perpetuating the incorrect use of that word would impact my life today. When my baby dragon disclosed to me  that they were gay, I wasn’t sure what my new normal would look like. So I ran. I ran towards the journey of understanding what being gay meant in ti’s authentic context and not what was accepted as an everyday word.

The word “Gay” was initially used by bay men and by lesbians that did not want to label themselves as lesbian. Gay is an adjective that describes people who express or experience attraction to other people of the same sex as themselves and are not attracted to people of the opposite sex. Today, using the word “Gay” in it’s authentic context brings light into my heart and a deep sense of acceptance and love for my child who is gay.

TRANSGENDER shared by Pannay Guigley

Transgender – or trans, for short – is a descriptor for a person whose sense of personal identity and gender does not correspond with the gender assigned to them at birth. For instance, if a person is assigned female at birth, but they identify as a male, they are a transgender male. If a person is assigned male at birth but identifies as a female, they are a transgender female. There are also trans people who do not identify as either fully male or fully female. They often use a “non-binary” label  -- enby, for short.

Asking a trans person for their name and pronouns, and then using those, is incredibly affirming and helpful for trans individuals. Offering your pronouns in a conversation can also open the door for the trans individual to share their preferred pronouns with you, too. “Hi, my name is Pannay. My pronouns are she/they.

USAGE NOTE: Transgender should be used as an adjective, and it can be offensive to use it as a noun or verb. “Transgendered” should also be avoided.

For example:
 “My friend is transgender.” That’s correct usage.

“My friend is a transgender.” That’s not correct.

“My friend is transgendered.” That’s not correct either.

“My friend is transgendering.”  That’s also incorrect.

MORE USAGE NOTES: The terms transsexual, transvestite, and hermaphrodite are no longer generally used and should be avoided, unless the trans person has specifically used those terms as self-identifiers and has asked you to do the same.

JEN: Thanks for joining us In the Den. If you enjoyed this episode, please share it with your friends. We’d also love it if you could take a minute to leave a positive rating and review on whatever platform you’re listening to us on. Good reviews make us more visible and help us reach more folks who could benefit from listening. But review or not, we’re glad you’re here. For more information on Mama Dragons and the podcast, you can visit our website at mamadragons.org or follow us on Instagram or Facebook. And if you’d like to help Mama Dragons in our mission to support, educate, and empower the parents of LGBTQ children, donate at mamadragons.org or click the donate link in the show notes.